Today was an ok day I guess. Uhmm..hung out with marissa and her bf and his freinds from oakland..theyre an odd group of ppl but the boys aiteee. Hmmm...then went home and cleaned up my room. i think i sould sleep. I dont wanna tho. lifes boring. i need some damn exitement!!! i want a lot of things in life, we all do. but its never gonna happen. omg omg om go mgomg omg ogm!!! if only i could jsut let out what i wanna let out!!!!!!!!!!!! but i fukcing cantttt!!!

Today was ok. I got a whole bunch of C's on my spanish assignments which I think will cost me my A. Damn...I'm slacking!!! Got a C on my chem test and a fucking D on my Ap Euro test. sighhh....tihs is scary. I don't want B's I can't afford to have B's. uhmmm...found out I have a 82 resting heart rate today per minute. I swear Imma die soon. Went to frisbee with friends today after school it was fun i guess. really tired. uhmmm...what else. I really don't know. I'm really dissapointed in myself. no matter what i do, ill always stil remain here, as the person i am...the one who is always there, not very bright either or athletic. I don't know I don't know I don't know, I don't know anything anymore. what the hell is taking a hold of me? I'm not who i used to be, im slacking in school. welll...ehhh. i just wish sometimes my dreams would turn out to be realities.

I don't have that much hw today, so I've decided to blog. Today? hmm..it was somewhat of a horrible day i guess, not really..or at least I don't think I took the horribleness too deep into heart to be convinced that it was a horrible day. uhhmm...woke up and looked in the mirror and found it disguisting. Pimples are not an asthetic aspect a girl would want on her face. My hair was a total mess. Went into chem failing that chem test. Went into math failing that math test. Pretty horrible? ehh....possibly but i try not to beat myself down too hard for that. The worst part is? Seeing the person you were once freinds with stand there in front of you and not say a word. As much as I tell myself to forget about it, don't think about it...to this day I'm still trippin. There's so much that I would like to say to that person but I can't, for if i do ill worsen the very flimsy connection we have now with each other. It's better if I keep my distance, then force that person to talk to me. I'm no pusher. I can see, I can think, and I know my pressence isn't in the best of favors. Ppl change too much. It hurts to see that I don't know them anymore - literally everyone around me. It feels as if I'm pinned down upon this place while everyone around me seems to be moving freverently with time. Things are always different when you're looking from the outside.

It's been a while hasn't it? i haven't been blogging very often lately. school interferes with the extra time I used to have. i kinda miss it, i guess i thats why im here right now. I've always wanted a diary to write all my feelings in and the events that happen during the course of my life, but i always get tooo lazy to write it all out. i find typing a lot easier. so, this is like my diary of my life...cept..exposed out to the world that doesnt even know i exist.
What i hate most in life is to lose a friend. I've tried, tried my best to keep that person close to me, but all that effort seems to have been a waste. in any problem, the only solution is cooperating. it's pointless to have only one do everything and not the other. it kills me to see that after every time that i try, the responses i get are only mediocre, sometimes not a response at all. who knew one person could do so much harm, that i find myself crying as my fingers type these letters to form words from within my heart. there are certain things in life that were once the past and will forever be the past. i'm guesing this is one of those exceptions. i dont want to try anymore, every aspect of me is exhausted of the multiple attempts at maintaining a good freindship, when in return i get neglected. that person will never know of my efforts, if it's even considered as efforts to him. that person will never know that the things he's decided to let go, mirrors the let go of my tears. I've gotten used to that. the things that i do and say or think of are usually never recognized, so it's not a big thing whether or not that person knows, for if he does, the reponses i get in return will only be a simple "I don't know." I'd rather not have that person know and learn to get through life without the "what used to be's" than to have that person further damage whats already corrupt. I recently had 2 freinds of mine that were upset with each other because of the same reason as mine, but they ended up making up and being close once again. i envy that, and i admire that, i'm happy for them. one should never be discouraged or angered about things others have that one does not possess, but rather one should feel happy for those that can obtain the best. there is no point in fussing and fighting for what is lacked, for it will do no better than to cause more discomfort. one day the best will come for the deprived too. pacience is the key. so, commitment to self. after today, no more tears relating to this subject. That person may no longer look to me as a close freind, but i always will. I may let go physically but i can never do so emotionally. Once a freind, always a friend. I'll forgive, forget, and I'll move on.
I miss you.